Baldimort and the three hairs
by crystalsprings
Summary: Hairy Potter has many problems..namely Baldimort, hopefully his friends can help him through the bizzare situations he gets himself into.
1. Chapter 1, problems

**Baldimort and the three hairs.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

**Introduction**

'Mahahahahahahahaha' cried Baldimort 'my brilliant plan cannot be foiled…not even by you Entrail'

The little man sprawled at the feet of Baldimort shuddered at the high, cold sound of his master's voice.

'Come, my dear Bikini' said Baldimort softly, calling to his beloved pet snake, which slithered up his arm as soon as she had heard her name. 'We have much to do...'

The snake and the still cowering slave stared at their master, puzzled by his words, but they knew better then to ask him what exactly his plan was. Baldimort cackled again- at his servants' foolishness.

'Vengeance shall be mine, Hairy..'

Story

Hairy Potter stared at the mirror; he had a problem, a big problem. He had tried so hard over the last few days to stop it. He had experimented with hair-removing spells, plucking

hairs out, shaving and, on Ronald Greasy's advice, bleaching. Permione was now downstairs in the common room creating her version of a potion which was supposedly going to

'slow down' the process of Hairy's rapid hair growth.

Hairy sighed, he knew it was a silly thing to get upset over. He was still an extremely good-looking person, but there was just SO much hair and –it was unnatural, plus it was not only facial hair.

He had never known his hair to grow this fast, and he was really hoping that Permione's potion would work because he was started to get fed up.

As he descended the stairs, Hairy heard laughter coming from the common room. Downstairs Fred and George, Ron's elder Greasy brothers were mixing unicorn hair and some

other black, sticky substance together-obviously some new prank. Permione was bent over a book, her eyebrows furrowed in concentration. Ron was lounging lazily by the fire,

making no attempt whatsoever to complete Professor McFolicle's homework, hoping Permione would do it for him later.

As Hairy appeared in the Gryffinfur Common Room, everyone's heads turned to look at him. Most people had gone for their first lessons an others who had free periods were relaxing in the common room and completing homework-or, in Permione's case, making a potion to stunt hair growth.

'Hi, Hairy,' muttered Ron to his best friend.

Hairy said nothing but looked straight at Permione.

She nodded, 'Yes, its done, I think the colour has gone slightly darker than it should have and the-'

'I'm sure its fine' said Hairy hoarsely. 'How much do I take?'

* * *

**I made a joke calling Voldemort 'Baldimort' and a few of my friends sort of told me to do a story on it...you know who you are! **

Just to clarify, Baldimort is NOT causing the hair to grow…but you shall understand all later. Read on!


	2. Chapter 2, lies and ginger hair

**Chapter 2**

**Diclaimer: I own zilch.**

Hairy sighed, he didn't understand it, not a word of it. He looked up and saw Professor Scalp coming towards their table. He tried to

catch Permione's attention but she was scribbling away, her head moving from side to side as her pen wrote extremely intelligent words.

Hairy then turned to Ron but he immediately saw that it was of no use-Ron sat chewing the and of his quill and reading the question over

and over again.

Ron suddenly looked up, looking around helplessly at Hermione and Hairy, his gaze lingered on Hairy,

'Hairy…are you feeling all right? You look-'

'RONALD GREASY' came the sneering voice of the potions master, Severe Scalp.

'Fuck' muttered Ron

Hairy gave Ron a questioning look, wondering what Ron had been going to say.

'So, Greasy, you think that your conversation with Potter is more important than the task I have set you?'

'I-'began Ron.

'Yes, Greasy...what is your puny little excuse for disturbing my lesson-please, enlighten us all. Quills down please! Lets all listen to Mr

Greasy's amazing tale' said Scalp.

'Well, you see…I was, discussing the work...with Hairy.' Ron said quickly.

Scalp sneered at Ron.

'10 points from Gryffindor and a detention Monday evening Greasy, for lying'

Scalp dismissed the class and skulked out of the classroom.

'Well that was quite interesting really' Permione said 'I think that the moonstone has many proper- HAIRY!' she screamed mid-sentence.

'whatwhatwhat?' asked Ron, bewildered. He then saw Hairy. Ron screamed, fell over a chair and collapsed in a heap on the floor.

'Whats wrong?' asked a confused Hairy.

'Your…your hair' Permione spluttered 'Its..ginger'

'WHAT?'

**I hope you like it..there are many ideas for what is to come next, and of course not everyone's names' has been mentioned **

**(Harry Hairy) Reviews are much****appreciated. Thanks to Hol, Natalie, Nina and Krupa especially- for all their help.**


	3. Chapter 3, embarrasment and beatboxing

**Chapter 3**

**Disclaimer-I own naught**

Hairy blanched. He glanced at the shocked faces of Ron and Permione, he stumbled towards a window framing the lake to the East. He could see his own pale reflection, his new crop of hair shining like a large, ginger sun. Other people started to look at Hairy, laughing and whispering. A few first year girls burst into hysterics.

"I think we had better get to Professor Fringes lesson," Permione broke the silence. Ron's mouth was gaping open.

Hairy was perfectly used to the enduring taunts and sniggers. His face burned with embarrassment as he realised how ridiculous he looked. Students peered through frosty glass and round cold stone corners to catch a glimpse of him. He hated it. The walk to the Hairstory stretched twice as long. The faster he walked, the further away the end of the corridor seemed to get.

The lesson itself was torture. Fringe droned on as he drifted above the floor in a monotonous manner. Hairy felt that Fringe never actually spoke, he just hummed one low, boring note, it was likelistening to vacuum cleaner.

When the break bell reverberated around the classroom, Permione got up and dashed in the direction of the library.

"Why does she always do that?" asked Ron, but he followed her down the corridor all the same. Wherever Hairy went, a constant snigger was trailing him. Just as hairy reached for the library door, someone yelled out;

"OI! I heard ginger people have no soul!" it was Flat and Coil. Ron snarled but Hairy whipped out his wand.

"GENUS COVARIO!" he bellowed. Two jets of speeding light exploded from his wand, one pink , one blue. They hit Flat and Coil with perfect aim. They stared at each other. Abruptly, buttons popped off their shirts as breasts erupted from the chests, their dodgy haircuts grew to shoulder length curl, their square, boulder figures became slightly curvy. They fled down the corridor sobbing and running like girls.

"What did you do?" gasped Ron.

"gender switch, I was practising it for Malfoy, but they will do. I found it in one of Permione's books."

"Malfoy in a pink frilly dress," Ron snorted.

The library door swung open to reveal a beaming Permione. She had the pleased/ clever/ superior look spread over her face.

"I don't know what took you so long, and I won't ask. Hairy, I found a way of removing your gingerness, it seems a ginger hair got into the potion (at which point she glared at Ron, who shrugged and looked away) - but the book is in the restricted section, so I need you two to create a diversion, got it?"

Hairy sighed. He didn't like the idea of making a loud noise in the library, especially with Madam Rinse on the prowl.

Permione hid between rows of silent, dusty shelves whilst she waited for the distraction. Hairy had no idea what he and Ron would have to do. Ron began to mutter, when suddenly, Madam Rinse jumped out from behind a shelf and pounced on Ron.

"AHA!" she screeched "I knew it was you! Ronald Greasy your books are TWO DAYS overdue. You owe me _How To Bewitch a Witch; Love Help Part 3 _and _Saucy Secrets of the Magical Bedroom_! PAY UP! Two sickles…"

She frog-marched Ron away from Hairy at a tremendous speed. Ron was scarlet, he only had two knuts with him. From behind him, somewhere in the shelves, Hairy heard Permione let out a loud 'tut'.

"I'll pay for him." stammered Neville Longblonde, who was now nearer to madam Rinse and her victim. She collected her coins from Neville's shaky hand and released Ron from her steely grip. Hairy caught up with Ron, who was rubbing his neck and coughing.

"thanks Nevi-aargh!" Hairy tripped on his own loose shoe lace and landed face first on the floor. His knees were stinging from carpet burn and his head throbbed from impact.

"Recoup, Hairy! Recoup!" Ron hissed, as a large group of students started laughing nearby.

Hairy did a stupid turning move on the floor, copying the chart shows he was forced to watch as a child with his cousin, Dudley Curlsey.

"do-do-do-do, do-do, do-do, can't touch this! Ron! Bloody help me!"

Ron began to do the robot. Hairy decided to bop, as Neville started to beat box, Sheen Thomas jumped in and commenced to break dance on the library floor.

"do-do-do-do, do-do, do-do, can't touch this!"

Pupils formed a ring around the commotion and Madam Rinse was there in a flash. Students from muggle backgrounds cheered and laughed, whereas people from wizarding families were just amused.

"Go Hairy! Go Hairy! Go Hairy!…"

Armed with a feather duster,MadameRinseproceeded to try to force her way through the circle, to find the source of noise in her library, but no one would lether through; they didn't want to miss this.

Meanwhile, Permione crept out of the restricted section, the book safely in her bag.

**All credit for this chapter goes to Holly, My joint writer/thinker person for this story. Please review, I love reading and answering them! Please keep reading and **

**enjoy! **


	4. Chapter 4, secret meetings

**Chapter 4**

**Disclaimer-I own peanuts**

Hairy had taken to walking around the school in his invisibility cloak. He had learnt to put up with the sniggering but he wished people would stop asking him if he had ginger pubes.

After an eventful evening in Hairgirid's cabin- which included some of his 'cooking', Hairy returned on his deserted path back to the Gryffinfur common room.

As Hairy's footsteps echoed around the cold, moonlit corridor, his thoughts strayed to Ron and Permione. Ron had had to serve his detention with Argus Filth as Scalp had business to attend to. Permione was busy brewing a Ginger-no-more potion, which was _extremely _complicated and needed all of her attention.

As Hairy wandered along, he heard groaning further ahead. Hairy continued towards a Charms classroom, where the sound seemed to be coming from.

Hairy paused, he was afraid of what he might hear but his curiosity got the better of him.

He put his ear to the door and heard a familiar voice.

'Ohhh Flako, up a bit, oh yesss that's the spot, ohhhhhhhhhhhhmmmm… I must say, this is your best performance yet.'

'Why thank you Professor Scalp. I do pride myself on my good, warm hands' said the voice of Flako Malfoy.

Hairy froze as realisation of the situation hit him-but he had to be sure. He put his eye to the keyhole.

Scalp's face was contorted in unusual pleasure and he was gasping for air. Hairy drew back, sickened by what he saw-but his perverse interest at what was going on forced him to look again. This time Hairy saw Flako, his face had a look of determination and fierce concentration.

'Ahh, that's enough for today Flako. How much do I owe you?' asked Scalp.

'2 galleons, 5 sickles sir' answered Flako, 'I'd better wash my hands and get back to my dorm.'

Hairy retched; he could listen to no more. Malfoy was getting PAID for it. He ran back to the Gryffindor common room as fast as he could.

**haha..i enjoyed writing thispart. chapter 5 will arrive shortly, keep reading and review!**


	5. Chapter 5, frogs and blackmailing

**Chapter 5**

**Disclaimer: I own nada.**

'I don't believe it' Ron gaped at Hairy.

'It's true, I saw it myself' replied Hairy, 'with my eye.' He ended the sentence by pointing dramatically at the place under his volumous, orange eyebrow.

Ron absent-mindedly poked the frog in front of him, which, rather than singing (it was a Charms lesson) croaked:

'_You will die a virgiiin Ron'_

The frog then slumped into the deep, dark silence more commonly known as

**Death.**

Ron grimaced, 'Why do people keep saying that to me?'

He turned around to get another frog from Permione but she was busy. In front of her was a line of frogs (some of which had moustaches) shuffling bits of paper and doing vocal exercises. Suddenly, Hermione raised her arms in the air, one hand holding her wand, and she said

'Ahem, take your places- and a one and a two and a one two three, go.' She then began waving her wand around madly whilst the frogs took a deep breath and began their song.

'Whennnnnn the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's amore' they sang sweetly, instrumental frogs playing the tune in between.

'When the world seems to shine like you've had too much wine that's amore. Bells will ring ting-a-ling-a-ling, ting-a-ling-a-ling and we'll sing Vita Bella.'

Conveniently, a bored little frog rang a bell.

Professor Flitwig then hurried to the table-where a small crowd had already gathered, clapping his hands excitedly.

'Oh! Well DONE, Miss Granger' he squeaked '30 points to Gryffinfur!'

* * *

Whilst this commotion was taking place in Charms, Ron sidled up to Flako Malfoy, who sat on the corner table and was now glaring at Permione with a look of extreme disdain. 

Ron began humming something very much out of tune. After a few appallingly hummed moments Flako looked up at Ron.

'What do you want, Greasy?' he snarled.

'Oh, nothing, nothing' said Ron carelessly, picking at his nails. A few more moments went by in which Ron carried on humming before he turned abruptly toward Malfoy,

'I know' he said.

'You know what?' asked Flako in a bored voice.

'All about your…secret meetings'

'What the hell are you on about?'

'Your little meetings with Scalp' Ron said maliciously.

'WHAT! er… I dunno know what you're talking about' Flako stuttered, his cheeks flushing slightly.

'Ha! Don't play your little games with me Malfoy! I know all about it, all about how you're getting PAID to do it!' Ron grinned.

'Shut up' hissed Flako, looking around nervously. 'Fine, so you know..and I suppose I have to do something for you to make sure you keep your mouth shut.'

Ron grinned again.

'Here's what you're gonna do…'

* * *

Hairy stepped into the warm shower, sighing as the water trickled over his skin. He began thinking about the pile of homework waiting to be done when he heard a strange shuffling noise behind him. 

'PUBA!' screamed Hairy, grabbing his towel. 'Wha..what are you doing in here? This is the boys bathroom!'

'Oh hello Hairy.' Said Puba Lovegood dreamily, completely unaware to the fact that Hairy was trying to cover himself up.

'I was just following that Carrot-Nosed Blumberskrewt which came in here a minute ago-did you happen to see it?'

Hairy stared at her incredulously and tried to hitch up his falling towel.

'Hairy-don't move' said Puba hurriedly.

'Eh?' said Hairy, looking around him.

'The Carrot-Nosed Blumberskrewt' began Puba in hushed tones 'is on you...right, now.'

'AHH! Get it off me Puba, quickly' squealed Hairy.

Puba took a couple of steps towards Hairy, hands in front of her, eyes fixed on a spot on Hairy's hairy body.

Hairy shut his eyes tightly and stood frozen to the spot.

'Don't move' she whispered again, before lunging towards Hairy's mid-section.

'AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!'

* * *

**I hope you get whats going on! I think that Hairy asking Puba to remove the 'Carrot-Nosed Blumberskrewt' when he doesn't even believe it is a little dumb- my **

**fault, but heck- you know what i mean. Anyway, Read on...Readers..!**

**p.s please check out cool people like: Die Libelle, fairyoftheunderworld, **Veritserum, PenguinsOfDoom, CAP.L. (obviously after you read more of this winks)


	6. Chapter 6, owls and poo

**Chapter 6**

**Diaclaimer: I own nonentity.oh you know.. same as always..**

Hairy limped into the Great Hall and sat down next to Ron, wincing.

'Where have you been?' asked Ron- spraying food all over Permione who was sitting opposite the two boys.

'Shower' he squeaked.

Permione peered at Hairy over the Daily Prophet (which she was using to save herself from the attack of the food spray)

'What's the matter with you?' she asked Hairy.

'Don't want to talk about it- pass me milk' he mumbled.

'Okaay' said Permione, giving Hairy the jam and retreating behind the Daily Prophet again.

As Hairy was finishing his breakfast, a large number of owls swooped into the Great Hall, dropping letters in front of pupils.

A scrawny, dishevelled, black owl fell in front of Hairy and held out its right leg in indication for him to take the letter.

'For me?' Hairy asked in surprise.

The owl looked at Hairy through its unblinking eyes as the letter was tugged off his leg. The owl then turned around, as if getting ready for flight and with a soft _plop _pooed in Hairy's cereal before flying off into the sunrise.

Ignoring the disgusted looks on Ron and Permione's faces, Hairy slit open the letter.

Hairy scanned the letter quickly and gasped, 'Ron, Permione, It's from Stylius!'

Ron and Permione both leant over to read the letter.

_Dear Nemesis Godson,_

_I hope you are well. I trust your studies are going smoothly. _

_This letter regards your upcoming Hogsfleas trip. I wish for you to find me by the waxing shack- alone. I have very important killing business to discuss with you. It will not take long._

_Remembe. Come ALONE._

_Your loving and caring Godfather._

_(Stylius Black, previous best friend of James Potter)_

_Muhahahahaha, I mean, kiss kiss._

Although the letter had some rather strange factors, Hairy's spirit rose-he would be meeting Stylius again! As Hairy was finishing his breakfast, Abush Dreadlockdore stood up and all talking/laughing ceased immediately.

'The very best of mornings to you!' he began, 'I will not keep you from your lessons for long as I know how eager you are to get to them.'

Ron snorted loudly. Dreadlockdore was just about to speak again when the hobbling figure of Argus Filth, squib and school caretaker, approached him.

When Filth reached Dreadlockdore, he whispered in his ear, and, with a final contemptuous look at the students, he hobbled back the way he came.

'Mr Filth,' Dreadlockdore started, 'has asked all students using bathrooms to please keep them clean as he found large clumps of ginger hair in the showers this morning which he had to clean up.'

Dreadlockdore seated himself again just as the bell went.

Many people began laughing and looking around at who could have been the culprit of the ginger 'hairs'

Some shot curious, amused looks at Hairy who turned crimson and looked away. Didn't he get enough attention?

'Oh! By the way Hairy! I forgot to tell you- The Ginger-No-More Potion is done, it's in your dorm, on your bed.' said Hermione cheerfully.

And with a sigh of relief Hairy entered the Transfiguration room./

* * *

**well well..I hope you are all enjoying. Yes, it took me a hell of a lot of time to get this up but what with me being the laziest person EVER..**

**Anyway, a few thank yous are in order here. To all the people who have reviewed. To everyone who has helped me in thinking of names etc. especially Die Libelle **

**and fairyof theunderworld and..well, you know who you are!**


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